In the eight years since I last posted, I’ve gone through a fair bit of change. No, I didn’t get those implants. Not yet. No. You know all those changes I talk about every other blog post? The ones that I had to make if I ever wanted to be happy ever again? Well, I made them. Some of them. Enough of them.
Once upon a time, I was sitting at my computer filling out college applications a.k.a. browsing Tumblr and flipping to the Common App tab every ten minutes, only to flip back immediately with an even stronger desire to blow chunks than I had ten minutes before. How am I supposed to write an essay about how awesome I am? My charm isn’t easily put into words, because, well…only about three people in the world think I have any sort of charm in the first place. And when it came to the essay about my extracurriculars, I was lost. I’ve never had a real job, and the only club I’ve ever joined is art club. And I barely went to half the meetings. All I really have are my websites. My websites.
Why have I been trying to figure out how I could turn my small, insignificant half-interests into a career for all these years when I’ve essentially been prepping myself for a career in web design since I was eleven? I mean, what the hell. Am I stupid? I adore web designing and I’m already fairly good at it, yet I’ve never considered it as a career because it’s not a “smart” job. For some reason, I’ve always thought that being in the top 1% of my class of 900 meant I’m supposed to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer. But wouldn’t my intelligence give me an advantage in any field? Maybe I’m not as smart as I thought if it’s taken me this long to reach this point.
So, I may not go to college for web design specifically, but I’m definitely entering communications. Advertising, marketing…something along those lines, maybe. Whatever I do, I want to communicate ideas to people with words and images. That’s what web design essentially is, isn’t it? Yes. Yes it is.
Finally having a direction, a direction that makes me happy, has taken so much weight off my shoulders. I still care about my school work, sure. It’s impossible for me not to. But I’ve allowed myself to relax. The first quarter ended yesterday and I’m fairly sure I have at least one B, and you know what? That’s okay. I’ve spent these past two weekends messing with Photoshop and hanging out with friends, and I don’t remember the last time I felt this good. I almost wish I didn’t waste my high school years on my work alone. These were supposed to be the simplest years of my life, and I made them so complicated.
Still, I can’t say I necessarily regret my high school life. If anything, I learned. I learned so much that I could probably enter the work world right now and turn out A-OK. And for the most part, this knowledge has been free. I can’t scoff at that. No-sir-ee.
Remember when I used to blog? When I used to design? When I used to be a carefree teen without a severe coffee addiction and bad skin?
Yeah, neither do I.
My attitude has improved since my last post, but my situation has not. I never thought I could have more work than I have in years past. But now, even though I no longer nap or spend every other day sitting at Starbucks all afternoon, I never have all my homework and design work finished by my normal bed time. I haven’t even found time to start a single college application essay. It’s rough, knowing I’m doing everything I can and it’s still not enough. At this point, I either need to stay up past midnight every day or get bitten by a radioactive spider to stay on track. I like sleeping, so if anyone knows where I can find the latter…hit me up.
Honestly, I don’t know what else to say at this point. I started this blog, thinking I had more to say on the topic, but all I have is sappy crap and emotional mumbo jumbo. I hate sappy crap and emotional mumbo jumbo. So really, I guess this is just to say that I’m not as pissy as I was a couple weeks ago. I mean, I’m still pissy. I’m never not. Just…to a lesser extent. To a “I won’t whip out the mace but beware a kidney punch” extent.
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