My dad isn’t always the greatest conversationalist. The man lives in his own world and Facebook, so contributing to the dinner conversation has never been his forte. Yesterday, for instance, he decided to ask us the question, “If you could have dinner with one celebrity, who would it be?” In my family, where the discussion usually involves complaining about people we hate and senseless babble, that question was a little odd. Nevertheless, it got me thinking. Who would I dine with?
I absolutely can’t dine with anyone attractive. Beautiful people are impossible to talk to. Their physical glory is distracting. When I try to imagine myself talking to someone like that really hot Asian guy from Glee whose name I do not know (and could care less about because I try to forget that show exists), the sound of the angel chorus behind him drowns out everything he says. So Justin Timberlake, said hot Asian guy, and the young ghost of Paul Newman are out.
I couldn’t pick anyone related to music, either. I like music, but I never obsess over any of it. I don’t even know the names of the members of most of my favorite bands. I’ve never really cared. So, that whole sector of the universe is out.
I think I either have to go with someone in the food industry or comedy. A funny person in the food industry would be ideal. Maybe Adam Richman, the guy from Man v. Food? I wouldn’t have to feel conscious about how much I eat because he’s devoured more food in four seasons of his show than I have in my lifetime. That would be nice. Although, as far as Travel Channel personalities go, I much prefer Anthony Bourdain. That man is just…He’s just a god. The only reason I wouldn’t choose him is because I know he’d judge my every word and movement and thought (because I’m pretty sure he could read minds). So, eat ribs like a pig or be judged? Eat ribs, definitely.
There are always my comedic heroes, Conan O’Brien and Tina Fey, too. Once again, though, I’m afraid I would be too intimidated. They’re my idols. I watch Conan religiously, and next to Arrested Development and Seinfeld, 30 Rock is my all-time favorite comedy. Would I be able to act like my normal, occasionally funny self? Or would I freeze up and become dull as a doorknob? My bet is on the latter. Either that, or I’ll just gush the whole time.
So, it looks like I’ll be chowing down with Adam Richman if I ever have the opportunity to have dinner with any celebrity. Of course, that opportunity will never arise. But still. It’s best to be prepared for this kind of thing.
Some people say a healthy diet and exercise make you feel more energetic and vibrant. I always thought those people were full of beans (literally and figuratively). They all on crack, I would say. That’s why they’re so “vibrant.” It has nothing to do with the jogging or the spinach or the crunches.
Well, I may be a proud woman, but I am not too proud to admit when I’m wrong. Those health nuts aren’t just full of beans. They’re full of knowledge and love and, if they follow a diet similar to mine, a few beans are probably in their system somewhere, too. Ever since I got into this health kick, I’ve been feeling great. Really, really great. It’s been two weeks since I touched a pastry other than those black bean brownies I made. I’ve been walking my dogs, biking, and doing countless made-up floor exercises every single day. I may not look cute when I’m sweating it out up and down the streets of my neighborhood, and my mother may not be too thrilled about me eating all her fruit, but I need this. I need to be healthy.
My black bean brownies. I command you to drool.
As soon as summer comes and I’m able to relax and take in life, I realize that I’m never truly happy during the school year. So much whizzes by when my head is stuck in a book for nine months. I forget about myself. I let my beloved websites rot. I allow my body to take in extra pounds. I let my hair turn into a bushy, mousy mess. At least I got all those As, I guess.
So every summer, I get this burning desire to change. I want my websites back up, the unwanted weight gone, and my hair fixed. I have two X chromosomes, so my weight constantly fluctuates whether I ask it to or not, and the weight loss part isn’t always a success. But I get my hair done, buy a whole new closet of clothes, design new graphics, and maybe, if I’m feeling adventurous, make one of my Sims 3 characters join the criminal career track. I go into the new school year feeling like a new woman…until about two weeks in, of course That’s usually when I collapse and allow the whole cycle to repeat itself.
Not to get all Oprah here on you guys, but I think the problem is that I always change the outside, not the inside. Fresh highlights may make me feel like a hot little mama, but they won’t stop me from stressing out. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself to calm down about school, I just can’t. So, I’m giving my insides an overhaul. No more cookie binging. No more accidentally forgetting to eat. No more stagnancy. Maybe, just maybe, if can clear my bloodstream of the pound of sugar perpetually flowing through it, I’ll feel less sluggish. I’ll turn into one of those crazies with the shifty eyes who can tackle an eight-hour day on five hours of sleep. I’ve always admired them.
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