I’ve spent the last two days at the mall. The same mall. I only planned to go once, but, you know…I’m just so popular. Everyone wants a piece of Gab on shopping day. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone asked me to go again tomorrow.
…Too far? Definitely too far. Apologies.
Even though I spent so much time at the mall this week and tried on roughly eighty-seven articles of clothing, I walked out with only a dark chocolate bar from Godiva and yet another dress. I don’t need anymore dresses, but I’ve grown so fond of them this summer. They’re just so comfortable. I’m not sure who brainwashed us humans into believing jeans and sweatpants are the coziest garments out there, but whoever it is needs a good ol’ fashioned talkin’ to. Dresses are deceptively fancy. If they’re long enough and void of any corset-like mechanisms, they’re a dream. Wearing a good dress feels like being naked without the shame of inadequacy. I highly recommend the experience, even to you men out there. You can buy a kilt. I hear they’re fashionable in fashionable circles.
Although I thoroughly enjoyed the nearly perpetual cool breeze against my thighs this summer, I’m still not sure if I’ll be wearing any of these dresses to school. I know I look nice in them, and I know I’ll have no trouble getting them off and on for gym class. Will that turn me into one of those girls I’ve scoffed at for being too hooched up for school, though? I’m not sure. It’s not like I’ll be wearing heels and hair extensions and gaudy jewelry. But still. Is a dress too much for a day of high school?
As of right now, I’m sticking it to the belief that it’s not. I mean, I just said dresses are deceptively fancy. And you know what? This is my senior year. I’ll never see these people again, so why not go all out?
About the author: Gabi Bernard, 17, has been leading her silent and ineffective fight against “the man” since age 11. To find out more about her various protests, just ask. All protests have taken place in her head, so information is unavailable elsewhere.
Healthifying my life has its unfortunate consequences. The biggest? I need new pants. I knew I would need new pants, but since the temperature hasn’t dipped below eighty degrees in weeks, I thought I could make it until October, maybe even November. Hell, I could probably make it through the entire winter in my shorts if I layer on a ton of socks before I go out. But then I remembered that school starts in eleven days, and I’d probably be sucker-punched by a staff member as soon as I walked through the door if I showed up in shorts. What a shame. I have so many cute pairs.
But, such is life. I trekked to the mall with my mom today with the sole purpose of finding the perfect pair of jeans. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I did my best to stay optimistic. My mother? Not so much. She can’t even handle the inevitably overly hands-on service of the workers at dELiA’s on a good day. Today most definitely wasn’t a good day. You have to believe me when I say she’s a lovely woman – she really is. But for whatever reason, she was super angry today. You won’t like her when she’s angry.
I love my mother to death and have few criticisms of her. Maybe it’s because I’m pretty much a carbon copy of her and happen to be quite fond of myself? I don’t know. But one trait of hers I’ll never understand is her hatred of all things pleasant. Never once have I seen her return the greeting of a worker at a store. The most she’ll give is one of those half smiles that says, “I appreciate the gesture, but go fold some clothes and leave me alone.” In her defense, I don’t particularly like touchy salespeople, either. I can pick my jeans off the wall without knocking over the entire display, and I can read those obnoxious signs about the current sale myself. But still, it’s their job to be social with customers. I don’t see the harm in being nice, especially when it’s just a greeting.
Just as expected, I had to endure her irritated grunts and eye rolling from my side as a worker at the entrance explained the current special. We were there because of the special, so the information wasn’t new. But I wasn’t about to make the poor girl feel uncomfortable by blowing her off mid-spiel, so I made up for my mother’s rudeness by smiling more than I usually would and saying “thank you” in that uncharacteristically high-pitched voice I develop when I’m trying to sound interested. The girl seemed satisfied. Success.
Then I saw the girl by the jeans wall. I was so close to just turning around and saving this trip for another day. I’m tellin’ ya, those jeans wall people are nothing but trouble. But I carried on, and much to my surprise, the girl actually persuaded my mom to try on a pair of jeans. I don’t know whether it was my dirty looks or the girl’s cute dress or a random act of Morgan Freeman, but the woman must have experienced some sort of epiphany in the short walk across the store. She even felt bad when we decided to walk out without making a purchase. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE LADY WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ME?
I’m proud, but a little afraid, to be honest. Before I know it, she’ll be watching Extreme Home Makeover and talking to the neighbors…two things that hardass of woman would have never considered before Denim Epiphany 2011. Perhaps I should go check on her…
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